On Vulnerability
2 AM. Staring at the ceiling, making reconciliation with the shadow. Quiet and peaceful;quiet is always peaceful. I feel my feet are freezing (my feet are always freezing) — as I made the daily recap of the day. It never stored in conversations and conversations — they are dull, naive, and empty. But it stored in certain texture, certain lights of the day, certain smell, and certain feelings; I realize I am often attempting to recreate certain memory inside my head which made of those elements. This is not about me and my melancholy, nor about me and my words. But because the fragment of these breaths were just too beautiful as I always craving for them. My mind dive into the corner of surrealism — white, blue, yellow, red that appears in an odd way that evokes some strange, yet calming feeling. It was until up to that level of me being present.
Now its my body that freezing. I slip under the cover until my head sink; that’s my habit of using blanket. The surreal images vanished as my blanket touched the top of my head and switch into the idea of how vulnerable I am as a human. Even the phrase of “nobody can help us but ourselves” isn’t always true. Its not my deep-pesimistic-existential-dread whose talking. Its just a natural truth that we always avoid and sugarcoat. We, are just as vulnerable as the molded clay that once formed us. And accepting that fact is never fail to always putting me at ease. Accepting the fact that I, don’t always have the responsibility to help and stand up for myself is always putting me at ease.
Humans are designed to be vulnerable. To be human means choosing the road paved with anxiety, fear, and grief. We can not take a rest, this isn’t the place of rest indeed. Vulnerability is just as natural as our breath; therefore we’re given two hands to be lifted into prayer.
“It suddenly become clear to me that the whole purpose of faith is not to be good enough; before we begin on the path to God ; but to come with all our deficiencies to God, knowing that only He can fill in our gaps through His mercy”
Take a deep breath. What are we going through is just as natural as what did Moses feel when he was asked to fight Pharaoh despite all his limitations. From there, one of the most beautiful prayer we often repeat for centuries was born, “Rabbish-rahli sadri, wayassirli amri, wahlul ‘uqdatam millisani, yafqahu qauli” — “my Lord, expand for me my chest, and ease for me my task, and untie the knot of my tongue that they may understand my speech”. Its also exactly what did the men of the cave/ashabul kahfi went through. One more beautiful prayer immortalized which born in the midst of fear and despair, “Rabbanaa aatina milladunka rahmah, wa hayyi’ lanaa min amrinaa rasyadaa” — “Our Lord, grant us from Yourself mercy and prepare for us from our affair right guidance.”
So I sort of befriend with my own vulnerability. Everytime they shows up, I listen carefully to them and compassionately embracing them. It includes everytime my fear and anxiety strokes because of the excessive thoughts about the future I still don’t know how it will be ended, of the whispers in the streets, of the exams I worry so much about,of the misperceptions, of my fear of failure, of the hatred spreaded on, of my personal worries, etc etc. Because once again, accepting the fact that I don’t always have the responsibility to help and stand up for myself is always putting me at ease.
Dear God, You are The One that welcomes me exactly as I am. Words always fail to capture Your generosity. With my vulnerabilities, flaws, and deficiencies, I’m knocking on Your door. Amen.
